Last month, I read ‘The Gift of Fear’, a classic book on how to protect ourselves from predators by security specialist Gavin de Becker. It was originally published in the 90s but has been updated for a contemporary context. The whole book is fantastic and eye-opening but Chapter Four is the one I keep going back to.
I want to summarize the lessons here for anyone else, especially women, who are reading this blog.
Again and again, Becker urges us to listen to our instincts about a person or a situation, even if no rational cause seems obvious. If you feel uncomfortable around someone even if you can’t pin point why, listen to yourself. It’s your survival instinct picking up subconscious clues and trying to protect you. Don’t try to rationalize the instinct and logic yourself into a shitty situation.
Now, coming specifically to Chapter Four. This section is about recognizing common tactics used by predators to make victims lower their guard. Becker lists seven such tactics and I am quoting directly from the book. All credits (and much gratitude) to the author.
#1 Forced Teaming
Forced teaming is when a predator tries to make the victim feel that they are in the same boat or have something in common, even something as small as being stuck in a lift. It is no coincidence — it is an intentional, directed effort to create the illusion of shared purpose or experience where none exists (“Both of us”, “We make a good team”, “Seems we have similar taste!” “How do we handle this?” etc.)
This is an effective way to establish premature trust because a “we are in the same boat” attitude is hard to rebuff without feeling rude. The truth is, this stranger is not in the same boat.
Forced teaming is based on building a rapport with the victim. Even though most people who try to build a rapport with us in daily life may have zero sinister intent, it does not mean that we have to be nice to them or respond to their overtures. Especially true if you find yourself in a vulnerable situation or location. Perhaps the stranger’s intent is to make you feel at ease — but a far simpler way is to just leave you alone. So remember: you are not being rude by refusing to participate in someone else’s rapport-building effort. You are putting your safety first.
#2 Charm and niceness
People seeking to control others almost always present the image of a nice person in the beginning (think of all the serial killers described by colleagues and neighbours as nice people!) Like rapport-building, charm, a deceptive smile, and unsolicited niceness all have a motive.
With people you know in real life and closed circles, you have to earn each other’s trust through repeated actions and shared experiences. But when meeting people online, we rely on their charming words and niceness to form impressions. Becker puts it this way: we live in an age of anonymous one-time encounters and many people have become experts in the art of fast persuasion. Trust, formerly earned through actions, is now purchased with sleight of hand and sleight of words.
Becker suggests that we think of charm as a verb rather than a noun. So instead of thinking, “He/she is charming”, think “He/she is trying to charm me.” See how that brings the intent behind the action into the spotlight?
Most of the time, someone is trying to charm you without any sinister motive but at other times, you might be glad you asked yourself that question.
#3 Too Many Details
If someone is trying to manipulate you through lies, chances are they’ll throw in too many details. Someone who’s speaking the truth does not feel doubted, so they don’t feel the need for supporting details. When people lie, what they say doesn’t feel credible to them (it may to you), so they keep talking.
When you get a lot of details thrown at you by a stranger at a party or a chat room, you may get lost in them and forget the fact that fundamentally, this is a stranger. A predator uses details to keep you focused on random things and not listen to your instincts. They are using the details to make you think you are getting to know them — to build familiarity and trust. But remember, this is artificial.
How do you defend yourself from too many details? Bring the larger context into your conscious mind. For example, no matter how many great stories or jokes a date you’ve brought home is telling, keep yourself focused simply by remembering, “I have asked him to leave twice — and he is still here.” That will help you see things in context.
#4 Typecasting
Typecasting is a technique used by predators and crude Casanovas. The predator labels the potential victim in a slightly critical way, hoping she will feel compelled to prove his opinion wrong. (“You’re probably too snobbish to talk to folks like me”, “You don’t look like someone who really lets her hair down on a Friday night”)
Now these insults are usually easy to refute but the typecaster doesn’t care about that; all he wants is you to rise to the bait and try to prove him wrong. Ask yourself: does it matter what this random person thinks? What are you trying to prove anyway? If it makes you feel better, the typecaster doesn’t even believe in what he’s saying — he just believes his tactic will work.
Becker says the best defense to typecasting is acting as if the words weren’t even spoken. If you engage, you might win the argument but lose something much bigger.
#5 Loan Sharking
Just as loan sharks get you into debt traps, a loan shark predator will try to do you some “favour” and make you feel you owe them something in return. That makes it harder to ask them to leave you alone!
The defense here is to bring two rarely remembered facts to the front of your consciousness: He approached me and I didn’t ask for any help. That should help you tell them to sod off. If you’re rude, then so be it. Better be seen as rude and stay alive than try to be nice and end up dead.
#6 The Unsolicited Promise
Promises are used to convince us of some intention, but they are not guarantees. In the mouth of a predator, they are hollow and meaningless, reflecting only their intention to persuade you to do something. The reason someone says “I promise this won’t happen again…” or “I promise it won’t be too late” is because they can see you are not convinced.
The doubt you feel is a message from your intuition that something here is off. So honour it. Here is the defense: when someone says “I promise”, say in your head “Yes, you’re right; I am hesitant to believe you, probably with good reason. Thanks for pointing that out.”
#7 Discounting a “No”
Becker calls this the most universally significant of all: a man ignoring or discounting the concept of a No. The biggest red flag of them all. When someone refuses to take No for an answer, they are either trying to seize control or unwilling to relinquish control.
Once you have said No, do not back down. Do not negotiate (the moment you do that, your no is no longer a no). Do not let them wheedle you into turning a No into a Maybe (they’ll just keep going, trying to get to a yes). Do not make it conditional (this just shows your no wasn’t well thought through). Do not overexplain your reasons (you’re giving them information to manipulate you).
Giving in on any of these counts is as good as sending the predator a “You are in control” message. And you do not want that. Say your No explicitly, out loud, rudely if necessary, and stick to it.
I’ll close this post with Becker’s reminder: listen to your intuition. It is always in response to something. So rather than try to explain it away, try to identify if there’s a hazard.
Reading this book made me reflect on many encounters through my life as a woman where these tactics were tried on me, a few times with success. I felt uncomfortable, but did not speak up or walk away, and ended up regretting it. Does any of this resonate with you?
If not, I’d urge you to read the full book for much better context and anecdotal learning. It is available here.
The Rustle of Words 